What it's like to confront regret
you are my colorful history
you blow across my walking
like a hot summer night wind.
even in this way i burn for you
when i breathe.
you are my longing history
i stand in the field of my choices
and see the results of my effort grow about me.
i would not choose you
stood before me now.
I would not.
i would not reach for the skin
that made me strike lightening
i would not touch the lips
whose laughter brightened my sober soul.
i would not wrap myself around
the passion which inspired me
to imagine new ways to love you.
i would not.
because once I did and it almost
cost me everything.
you are my vicious history.
i carry you in this safe way:
i carry you in the echoes of my music.
it is there your vibrant soul
falls into my arms and
that is how i hold you
my sweet unchosen history
in my music
you history sings itself into my everyday.
and on this, my ordinary everyday,
i do not trade my memories of you then
for the reality of your now. i am
content to hum your lyrics and walk on.
1 comment:
Wow Jac. I read all your posts. What a great way for you to get a lot out. I hope you don't mind.
I noticed that there are no comments from other people. Maybe you want to keep this private. I would respect that if you wanted that. It was helpful for me to read some of your lessons about grief that you have been learning from your books. I'm glad to hear you processing in a positive way and focusing on the good you are doing to get better. I liked your lists. It reminded me of something my counselor told me when I first started seeing him last summer. He said we should always try and walk on the line of truth...with ourselves and with others. When we exaggerate what is happening and freak out or go overboard with it, that is like going above the line of truth. When we bottle it up or minimize what we are going through, that is like going below the line of truth. None of it is true...which makes it a lie. Every moment I try to think about what is "true" about what I am feeling RIGHT NOW. Sometimes it is true that I'm not feeling sad...and it's okay to admit that and enjoy the moment and have fun. Other times I have to admit to myself that I just can't stop thinking about Willie and missing him and wishing it was different than it is. Anyway, you get the point. It was good to hear from you. I hope you don't mind if I read along.
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