The Bottom

My life is a mess.

Today I woke up and realized that I am sabotaging my life. I do terrible things that hurt the people I love and ruin my relationships. Why I am doing this is a hard question. Fear maybe, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be left anymore.

This harsh reality left me feeling desperate to fix myself. After I dissolved a box of kneenex with tears and snot I, and some good talks with the wise women in my life, I decided that despite my mistakes and loses, I could change. Going forward I am committed to making choices every day to be better, love my friends and family, laugh more and be present in my life.

I am ruining my life:
I’m not happy
I am scared that people in my life will leave me
I don’t trust anyone
I hurt the people that I love
I hurt Adam
I hurt my sister
I am mean to random
I broke my parents rules
I made proffessional mistakes that have diminished my reputation


The crazy things I have done:
I drank too much and I made out with Tom
I drank to much and yelled at Adam
I started fights with him in Portland
I accused Adam of cheating on me and liking other girls because I am afraid he is trying to get back at me for the mistakes I have made.

I want to make things right.
I am going to fix myself and I am going to be happy.

I am going to change. I am going to look at things from a different perspective. I am going to ask for help. I am going to talk to my friends, Kelli, Raquel, Brian, Tiffany, Julie, Linda. I’m not going to drink. Be more positive.
It’s a process. I’m going to be better.

In my attempt to reach these goals, I got some books today. I learned some things:
"I can either direct the winds f my history to blow and fill my sails toward a certain course, or I can allow it to just steer me all over the map....in other words we can negotiate with our history; come to a creative agreement and then move on with our lives, trimming our own sails in a chosen direction."

"Be responsible for the history you are creating. Ask myself how it is I want to remember this specific thing and then do my best to bring about these memories." --I am not doing this. I am getting drunk and making really really bad decisions. I am not being present in my life and making it what I want it to be.

"Life is not a seres of accidents, and you are not a victim. You can exert power and influence over your own actions, attitudes, and resources."

"I am a project" ---this process of fixing myself is not going to happen overnight, it will not be quick and I will make mistakes along the way. This is something I will have to continue to work on.

"Comparison breeds expectation, and expectation envisions. If the actual sight is different from the vision, then rather then producing surprise or delight, it creates disappointment." --- This is what I am doing with Adam and Stephanie, Beth and now Amanda. I am comparing myself to these people, and when I don't get the same reaction from him that they do, I freak out. I get so upset that he is connecting with them in a better or different way then he does with me. I am comparing myself because I don't feel good enough, because I am not happy with myself. I want to have confidence that I am what he wants, I don't have to compare myself to anyone. And I don't want to compare Adam with Will or any other guy. He is amazing and I comparing him with Will creates unreasonable expectations. I don't even think I am comparing, until I am disappointed, and then I realize I wouldn't be disappointed if I just accepted him for who he is.

"Recognize the power of your words. Accept that they have a consequence (words build cultures, and preserve and destroy them). Every word has a story and a degree of impact, Do not say of your words, "Oh they don't matter." that matter a good bit." ---I have messed things up with my dad, my sister, Adam, Alyssa, and I am sure many more by the words I have used and my lack of control. The words I have said have hurt people. I can't take it back and I have to face the consequences of those hurtful words. I can only work harder to change my thoughts and the words I choose going forward.

"Even when you listen hard you can be unclear as to what someone really wants." ---I listed to Adam and my Mom and they just wanted to help me. But I didn't know how to do what they want. I didn't really listen to them.

"security is an illusion, it only takes one thing (and for all your efforts to be safe you never see that particular thing coming), and it's over. So we have to deal with the "out there." Take life on. Engage. That is why we are here in the first place." --- My safety net was pulled out from under me and it scared the crap out of me. I haven't been able to deal with losing my security. My person is gone and I stopped dealing with my present. I keep trying to put my security in Adam, but I really need to be putting it into myself. The words I have been using and the actions I have been taking are tearing down the rest of my security.

Adam said something very interesting today, and I never thought about it before. Since Will died, I have felt very alone. And now I am a victim on my aloneness. It doesn't matter where I am or who I am with, I am alone because Will is gone. I always knew I was not alone when he was alive. He would always love me and be there for me. He was not perfect, but he was my person. I thought that I was able to get over him and move on. When he died I thought that I could continue to have a relationship with Adam. But it turns out that I can't. I haven't been able to let Adam in and create a life with him because I haven't stopped grieving for the life I had with Will. The stress of trying to grieve for Will and make a long distance relationship with Adam work is just too much. What an awful realization. I can't do it (I hate to say that). I want to be with Adam so sincerely, but I am emotionally incapable of handling both of these very important men.

I love Adam so much, I miss him so much when we aren't together. I wish I was capable of letting him in, of giving my whole heart to him. I wish I could be ok with myself so that we could be ok together. I am going to work hard on me, regaurdless of whether things work out with Adam, because I want to be ok again.

The things I did today to get better:
I admitted that I have a problem
I sought advice from wise people who love me and want to help me
I called Mark and asked his forgiveness
I called Alyssa and asked for her forgiveness
I talked to my dad and asked for his forgiveness
I found resourses to help me change my thoughts and behaivor
I found resourses to help me deal with my greif about Will
I wrote down what I am learning and really thought about how to change.
I hung out with Sarah and focused my attention to live in the moment.

I am writing all this down, because I want it to be real. Not just thoughts in my head. I want to let people in and be authentic. My friends and family are so worried about me and I want them to know that I am trying, I am working on myself, and want to be different. The book I am reading encourages writing the things I am learning and doing. I want to take every suggested step to recovery.