The intellect

I started reading another book last night about Grief Recovery. They might as well have been writing it for me. I just can't believe how much I can relate to in this book. I'm only 44 pages in, but it is amazing to me how much I didn't understand about this process.

The first sentence in the book is "If you are reading this book, there is a high probability that your heart is broken."

Ummm....ya! Crazy. After reading for a while, I started to understand that I am grieving about a multitude of events. One, Will and I's break up; Two, Adam and I's break ups (multiple grieving events at different times); Three, Will's death; and Four, Papa's death. Not to mention the death of my great grandpa and great grandma this year.

"Incomplete grief will create hypervigilant self-protection from further emotional pain. Sadly, this excess of caution limits the ability to be open, trusting and loving, dooming the next relationship to failure"--- YES YES YES
I really thought that I could handle all my stuff and have a relationship with Adam, my mom, my sister, my dad, and I couldn't. I was doomed because I hadn't properly death with all my grief.

I want to just type up all the stuff I have highlighted in here. The first few chapters are about how hard it is for other people to understand because every situation is so different. "Most of the comments grievers hear following loss, while intellectually accurate, are emotionally barren. As a direct result of these conflicting ideas, a griever often feels confused, frustrated, feelings that lead to emotional isolation."

Adam wanted me to let him in about how I am feeling about Will, but the messages of "don't feel bad" and be happy, keep busy, time heels all things, or get over it...they caused an emotional struggle in me that makes it even harder to get over the grief. This part blew me away: "The accumulation of unhelpful reactions began to add up to a loss of trust. While their initial loss of trust incident might have been with a parent or authority figure, eventually the blanket of mistrust covered all relationships." Not that anyone means to say the wrong thing. We are socially conditioned to react and say things when someone we know is faced with loss. No one does this on purpose, but the result is a loss of trust in the people who are trying to help us.

"We did not feel safe either. We had been so conditioned to convert our emotions into intellect that we thought we were defective for having feelings at all." - This explains so much about my insecurities. Why I freaked out at Adam and the chance he likes someone else, and why I ran to Tom when I thought Adam was leaving me. I didn't feel safe, and I didn't trust Adam.

Here is one...this happens to everybody, people live and die. The truth is that we don't have to deal with great loss very often. We are ill prepared to deal with tragedy and loss, it doesn't matter if everyone has to deal with it, it is not frequent, we don't practice the skills of dealing with loss. It is not taught to us, and when it happens we don't know how to deal.

"As a society, we're uncomfortable when confronted by displays of painful emotion. This all perpetuates a fear of showing normal feelings that result from emotional loss."

Here is another part I struggle with: " 'Not forgetting' becomes incorrectly entangled with the idea of 'not getting over.' This crippling idea keeps the grievers heart eternally broken, does not allow for recovery of any kind, and more often then not, severely limits any fond memories associated with the relationship."
This is just exactly what is happening to me, I don't want to get over it, because I don't want to forget.

Kim is putting Will's face on soda bottles , and I am trying to avoid thinking about him so I don't seem sad to my family and friends. That is not good. I am not dealing with my stuff, because I am trying not to hurt the people who love me.

Common responses to grief--- another mind blowing part...I have experienced everything mentioned in this part of the book.
Reduced concentration- A preoccupation with the emotions of loss and an inability to concentrate. ---I would say this is true about losing Will, my papa and the slow lose of Adam.

A sense of numbness- I definitely felt numb for the first 5 mins when I lost Will, I felt numb for a much longer time when my papa passed. And every time Adam leaves me, I feel numb for a while until it hits me what just happened.

Disrupted sleep patterns-This started when Will and I broke up, I am sure my grief over the loss of that relationship started that, it got better for a while, and then much worse when Will died, etc.

Changed eating habits-

Roller coaster of emotional energy- "Grievers talk about going up and down and in and out of feelings. As a direct result of these emotional highs and lows, grievers often feel emotionally and physically drained." -- Adam started to think that I am bi-polar. But this is a much better explanation on my attitudes and emotions. It makes so much sense...I am not crazy I am just grieving and no one can understand the symptoms.

Another bit, I didn't know how to tell anyone one this, but this is exactly how I feel. "The death of a loved one can be described as the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find that when we need them one more time, they are no longer there." ---I couldn't explain this to anyone, not Adam especially. I didn't want to want for Will, but him not being available ever is overwhelmingly sad.

I will end with this: " Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again."
That is what I need, I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to live better.

Here is what I did today to be better:
I listened to a book on CD called "Become a better you"- I was crying in my car...it was good
I was present at work today
I tried to make friends with the people I work with
I watched the football game with them for a little while and didn't have a beer
I wrote this
I didn't call Adam...although I did write him on aim and sent him a text tonight...